A Confession

(Translated from an Athonite pamphlet)

Bless me, O Lord and Savior, to confess unto Thee not only with words but with bitter tears as well. There is much to weep for.

My faith in Thee is shaken, O Lord! The thoughts of little faith and faithlessness crowd into my soul more often than not. And why? The spirit of the times, of course, is guilty, too; but above all, I myself am guilty in that I do not struggle with faithlessness and do not pray to Thee for help. I am incomparably more guilty if I become a scandal to others by deed, by word, or by that very cold silence whenever there are conversations concerning the Faith. I am sinful in this, Lord; forgive and have mercy and grant me faith!

Love for my neighbor and even for my close relatives fails me. Their unending requests for help and their forgetfulness of how much has already been done for them arouse mutual discontent among us, but I am guilty above all in that I have the means to help them but do so grudgingly. I am guilty in that I help them not out of pure Christian motives but out of self-love, out of desire for thanks or praise. Forgive me, O Lord! Soften my heart and teach me to look not at how people act toward me but at how I act toward them. And if they act inimically, remind me, O Lord, to pay them back with love and good and to pray for them!

I am also sinful in that seldom, very seldom, do I think about my sins. Not only during the week days do I not remember them, but even when preparing for confession I do not strive to bring them to mind! General praises come to mind: "I'm not guilty of anything in particular, like everyone else." O Lord, it were as though I knew not what sin is before Thee ... even every "vain word" and the very desire for sin in the heart. And how many words and desires come each day, not to mention in a year! Thou alone, O Lord, dost know them. Do Thou grant me to behold my sins, to be compassionate and to forgive!

Moreover, I realize that my constant sinning is the virtual absence in me of any struggle with evil. As soon as any excuse or suggestion appears, I plunge right into the abyss of sin, and only after my fall do I ask myself: What have I done? And if I feel sorrow at the same time, it comes from my wounded self-love and not from any awareness that I have offended Thee, O Lord!

I do not struggle with obvious evil, not even with the most empty and harmful habits. I do not control myself and do not even try. I have sinned; forgive me!

Furthermore, the sin of a short temper, which rules over me, does not leave me at all. When I hear a sharp word, I do not reply with wise silence, but act just like a pagan: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. And enmity arises from something insignificant and continues for days and weeks and I do not think of reconciliation but rather try to be stronger, as it were, to get revenge at the first chance. I have sinned beyond reckoning, O Lord; be Thou compassionate, forgive and put my heart at peace!

Apart from these principal sins, my whole life is a chain of sins; I value not the time which Thou hast granted for the winning of eternal salvation. I often stand irreverently, pray mechanically, judge others as to how they pray and do not look after myself. At home, I sometimes pray with great effort and thoughts so scattered that often I myself do not even hear my own prayer! And there are times that I skip my prayers entirely! Such are my relations with Thee, O Lord, and I can say nothing but: Forgive and have mercy!

In my relations with others I sin with all my feelings. ... I sin with my tongue by pronouncing false, profane, provocative and scandalous words; I sin with my eyes; I sin with my mind and heart. I judge others and harbor enmity often and for long periods of time. I sin not only against the soul but also against the body, taking food and drink without restraint.

O Lover of man, accept Thou my repentance, that I may approach with peace Thy holy and life-giving Mysteries for the forgiveness of sins, for the setting aright of this world's life and for the inheriting of life eternal. Amen.

"I am unworthy to ask forgiveness, O Lord," ... thus once exclaimed St. Ephraim the Syrian, the great teacher of repentance.

"How can one restrain oneself from falling into sin? How can one block the entrance to the passions?" St. Basil the Great once asked St. Ephraim. And his only answer was his tears.

Then what can I say before Thee, O Lord, I so great and habitual a sinner?

By the prayers of our holy Fathers Ephraim and Basil, grant me tears and repentance, O Lord! Help me to expel from within myself, like moral poison, my evil deeds, vain words, wicked thoughts. And if I forget to mention any sin, Thou knowest all and so remind me, for I wish to hide nothing. Thou didst command me: Confess your transgressions, that you may be justified (Isaiah 43:26), and I say: "My sins are multiplied, Lord, and multiply themselves without ceasing and there is no limit to them. I know and remember that even an impure thought is an abomination before Thee, and yet I not only think but even do that which grieves Thee. I know that I commit evil and do not turn away from it. ...

And so, the beginning has not yet been made for my repentance, and the end is not in sight of my lack of concern over my sins. In truth, there is no end to the vile thoughts within me, the outbursts of self-love, vanity, pride, judgments, bearing grudges and vengeance. I often argue and for no cause at all become angry, am cruel, jealous, lazy and blindly stubborn. I myself am of very little significance, but I do think a great deal of myself. I do not at all want to honor those who are worthy, but do demand honor for myself without any cause. I constantly lie, but get angry at liars. I condemn slanderers and thieves, yet I myself do steal and slander. I corrupt myself with lustful thoughts and desires, but strictly judge others for lack of modesty. [Editor’s suggested addition: I have also committed the following sins of the flesh: ....] I do not endure jokes about myself, and yet I love to tease others, considering neither the person nor the place, even in church. Whoever speaks the truth about me I consider my enemy. I do not want to bother myself with serving others, but if I am not served, then I do grow angry! I coldly refuse my neighbor who is in need, but when I find myself in need I make requests of him without end. I do not like to visit the sick at all, but whenever I fall ill, then I expect somebody to care for me without my ever asking!

O Lord, send the radiance of Thy heavenly light down into the depths of my soul that I may see my sins! My confession almost always ends with the merely external recounting of certain sins. O my God, if Thou be not merciful, if Thou grant not help, I perish! Innumerable are the times my conscience hath given promises to Thee to begin a better life, but I have violated my promises and I live now just as before. Without correcting myself, I am ashamed to show my face before another person to whom I have not kept my word. How then can I stand before Thee, my God, without shame and self-abasement, when I have made promises so many times before Thy Holy Altar, before the angels and the saints, and then did not keep my word? How base am I! How guilty am I! Thine, O Lord, is righteousness, and mine is a shameful presence (Daniel 9:7). Only Thine infinite goodness can endure me! Thou didst not condemn me when I sinned; condemn me not as I repent! Teach me how to call to mind and to recount the sins of my former life, the careless sins of youth, the sins of self-loving adulthood, the sins of day and night, sins against myself, O Lord my Savior! How can I recount them in the few minutes that I stand within this holy place? I remember, Lord, that Thou didst attend unto the brief words of the publican and the thief; I know that Thou wilt mercifully accept even the readiness to repent, and I pray Thee with all my soul, my Lord: O Lord, accept my repentance even in the daily confession of sins as is written in the prayerbook. I have far more sins than those that are mentioned there and I have nothing with which to erase them. I now offer only my striving towards Thee and the desire for good, but I myself do not have the strength to correct myself. O Lord and Lover of man, Thou dost not drive away the sinner who cometh unto Thee begging Thee for forgiveness. Even before he approacheth the doors of Thy mercy, Thou dost already open the way for him; even before he falleth down before Thee, Thou dost stretch forth Thy hand unto him; and even before he confesseth his sins, Thou dost grant him forgiveness. Grant this unto me as I repent, grant this according to Thy great mercy; forgive all the evil I have done, said and thought. And by granting forgiveness, send me, O Lord, the strength that henceforth I may live according to Thy will and not offend Thee. Help me and I will be saved; help me by the reception of Thy Holy Mysteries. And for their worthy reception speak Thou unto me the grace of mercy and forgiveness by the lips of the servant of Thine Altar. Speak by Thy Holy Spirit, not heard by the ear, but heard in a contrite heart and the peace of conscience. Amen.